Who I Am

In the seminary, where everyone is presumed to become a priest, spiritual direction is a regular thing. This time around, however, a much more personal approach has been employed. Gathered around a rectangular table with paper and pencil on hand, each will have to list down two to three good qualities of the spotlighted classmate and one negative or area of improvement. This goes on until the last person at the end of the table is cogitated, mesmerized or admired at (perhaps, there may be fairies I know not of trying to hide their, rather, bright and sparkly wings which could impulsively flutter in excitement at the very thought of the individual in focus). After which is the sharing of what has been written. Of course, reluctance is expected for here is a class thinking, all along, that it is united and comfortable, yet with careful examination on the individual level would vomit extra acid in its core. I must say it went well, smoothly, without aggression.

The objective of the activity is to ease out the tension within the class, primarily. A secondary and inevitable consequence that I perceive, nonetheless, is the opening up of an avenue to further know oneself before and in the perspective of the other. We do not have a full grasp of ourselves, that would be, I think, tantamount to happiness. If you know yourself completely, you would know what could really make you happy and make you unhappy. As an import, the natural instinct to forego good and avoid evil will be perfected in this regard. Reality bites and pins us down back to our own mortality and weakness. The contrary is true. We/You/He/She/They/I do not know myself, at least not totally. That is why the opinion of other people will tell a completely different story from what you think you try and attempt at expressing. With that, let me introduce myself with the very words that manifest my classmates’ knowledge of me. A subsequent explanation, justification for my self-worth is I deem necessary.

1.      Stiff outside, soft inside

It is my defensive mechanism. I may perhaps be exuding virility but psychologically, mentally, emotionally, I break down too like a woman in labor. I fear only being used again. It’s when people get to know you familiarly that they start to employ what they discovered in you. Familiarity breeds contempt. I have numerous personal experiences of this. It is irreconcilable to subject it to repetition. What would have become of my rationality?

2.      Hindi namamansin

This goes with 1. I have been consumed by my philosophical studies that my very thinking and attitude have been conditioned as such. When people call you for something that just does not make sense, would you give your attention to them? I don’t. Hindi ako namamansin because some of the things which I myself find previously amusing have become too mundane and corny for consideration.

3.      Needs more assertion

The context is seminary. If I assert myself as I should flowing from who I really am, that’s synonymous to scandal, if you get what I mean.

4.      Mysterious

This goes with 1 and 2. I have to maintain a secure territory for myself where I can freely entertain myself with anything satisfying without oppressive stares and whispers. 

5.      Fashion statements are elitist, in a sense

I love to dress myself up, to look good. That is why, whenever there is a chance “to show off,” I never fail to be a stunner, sensation, blockbuster. Forgive me if this comes out too negatively. I cannot live in an ugly world.

6.      Be humble

This goes with 5. Further, my germophobic tendency is the very impulse with which I treat the rest of creation. If I do not want to jump in a public Jacuzzi where no garment is allowed, where balls and cylindrical-shaped tissues or muscles dangle in all directions, where bushes are uncombed or untrimmed, do not force me. One does not have to comply to things against his will just to fit in. That is simply false unity. 

 

7.      Remember your kababayan

This goes with 2. I made friends and discovering new ones. This does not, nevertheless, mean doing away with the ones of old.  

8.      Confident

Thank you! I learned and am learning to rely on myself, to be independent.

9.      Fight back

This goes with 3.

10.  Intellectual pride

This goes with 2. If you approach me, say something worth preoccupying myself with. Otherwise, die trying to force out a word, emotion, or blink from me.

11.  Critical, analytical, witty

Life does not offer itself out as though it has passed through the delicate hands of a world-class chef. Active engagement is necessary in this life. If you are comfortable only with givens and minimums, you are bound for unhappiness and control.

12.  In hiding?

This goes with 1.

            In other words, this is who I am in the eyes of my classmates. Who am I to you?